Thursday, April 30, 2009

Fort Worth/Fart Wurth/Furt Wurthless, Texas

When I went to college in the north, I never told people exactly where I was from because it took too long to explain. I would say "around Dallas" or "a small town in Texas". Well, no more! If you haven't heard of Fort Worth, Texas, before, you have now, thanks to porky pandamonia. Fort Worth was the first school district in the country to shut all their schools! I even heard Anderson Cooper mention Fort Worth last night, though he, too, probably had to go look on a map to find out just exactly where it is (fyi, 45 minutes west of Dallas if you drive normal or 1.5 hours if you drive like my dad). 

  • Signs on various pharmacies delcaring "We have Tamiflu"
  • Lady at Wal-Mart shouting "We ain't got no mo' hand gel or face masks!!"
  • Freakish mother at the aforementioned store pouring hand gel she had not yet bought on her three children's hands and saying, "Now wipe it all ova' 'cuz we shore don't wanna git sick" and then proceeds to throw that used bottle of hand gel back on the shelf for some unsuspecting customer to buy half empty. 
  • Fort Worth was a stop on cattle drive north and prides itself to this day on its cowboy culture. If you fancy, you can attend a rodeo everyday of your natural life in the Fort Worth Stockyards and watch cattle get shocked while jerking around 'dem cowboys. And every year in school, you get a free ticket to the Stockyards Exposition, which, I've been to one too many times. 
Did anyone else have cowboy dress-up day at school? Growing up in a very non-cowboy culture at home, I felt embarrassed for not showing up with a cowboy hat and boots. An indirect thanks to my parents for having foresight on this one.
  • Though originating from San Antonio, Fort Worth helps brew up one of the most tasteless lagers called "Lone Star Beer". Though I've never seen it out of Texas nor see people in Texas drinking it that often, it rides on the success of its name, even calling itself "The National Beer of Texas". And the price point it good for getting sloshed -- $7 for a 12-pack. Depending on your tolerance, let's say 4 beers on average, you can be sufficiently gone for less than $2.50. Or less if you go to a frat party at UT and chug down a few from the keg. 
Don't mistake this common roadkill as a rodent. Armadillos are the state mammal of Texas.

(Photos from "G" jewels g is for grandma. This is a grandma I'd like to meet -- "Whaddup G?!?")


  1. I love Fort Worth! I'll take it over Dallas any day. The people of Fort Worth are genuine, dyed in the wool Texans, and people from other places just wish they could be that way too. Yippeee ti yi yay git along you doggies :)

    P.S. I'll bet I drive just like your Dad :)

  2. Charming in ways Dallas will never be but not enough to draw me back yet. The driving conditions suit my parents well--never have to get on a highway to go to work and a stones throw away from groceries, friends, etc.